Everything End of Life.
This podcast is dedicated to talking to experts and others about all aspects of death and dying. You know, that thing we don't really want to talk about!
As a hospice carer and former psychiatric nurse as well as writer and former Theatre director, I invite guests to talk about their roles in and what to expect in the last four weeks of life. What happens to the person dying, what help is there, what to do before and after the event.
Many of the families we go in to see have one thing in common and that is that they don't know what to expect. I thought that a Podcast may help and then discovered so much to explore that is of interest to people such as alternative funerals, what do Hospices actually do, what role do religions play?
So join me for the first interview as we begin this Podcast with Clinical Nurse Specialist Becky Rix where we grasp the nettle and discuss what happens to us generally in those last four weeks.
Time to explore "Everything End of Life".
Everything End of Life.
A Funeral Director Explains Why Personalised Goodbyes Heal Better Than Tradition
Grief doesn’t move in tidy stages, and goodbyes don’t have to look or sound the same. That’s the heartbeat of our conversation with funeral director and embalmer Allyse Worland, a first‑generation professional who’s spent nearly seventeen years advocating for compassionate, modern funeral care. Allyse takes us inside a profession that’s shedding stereotypes—opening the doors to personal, participatory, and culturally sensitive services that genuinely help people heal.
We talk about the quiet revolution from standardised, mournful ceremonies to celebrations of life that feel true to the person: favourite music rather than generic hymns, story‑rich eulogies, photo walls, community gatherings and rituals that invite the whole family to take part. Allyse explains why clear options matter, how listening comes before logistics, and what happens when a funeral home becomes a place of care year‑round—hosting grief groups, partnering with local organisations, and pointing people to trusted online resources.
Money and stress sit close to the surface when loss hits. Allyse doesn’t dodge the reality of costs, state‑by‑state rules, or the rise of crowdfunding for unexpected deaths. Her remedy is transparency and dignity: explain the essentials, share alternatives without judgement, and build services around what the family values most. We also dive into the profession’s changing face—more young, first‑generation, and female directors—why mentorship beats gatekeeping, and how leadership rooted in safety and empathy outperforms old‑school authority.
Children are too often the forgotten mourners. Allyse shares practical ways to include them—simple roles, honest words, and space for their questions—so they gain agency and lasting, loving memories. Threaded throughout is a bigger truth: grief is non‑linear, and rituals help us re‑stitch daily life after a pattern breaks. If you care about modern funerals, grief literacy, and services that feel human, this conversation offers grounded insight and real‑world tools.
If this resonated, follow the show, share it with someone who needs it, and leave a review to help more listeners find thoughtful conversations about end of life.
For those interested in what Palliative care looks like at home there is "The Last Kiss" (Not a Romance)
Available on Amazon now
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Last-Kiss-Romance-Carers-Stories/dp/1919635289/ref=sr_1_1?crid=13D6YWONKR5YH&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9._59mNNFoc-rROuWZnAQfsG0l3iseuQuK_gx-VxO_fe6DLJR8M0Az039lJk_HxFcW2o2HMhIH3r3PuD7Dj-D6KTwIHDMl2Q51FGLK8UFYOBwbRmrLMbpYoqOL6I5ruLukF1vq7umXueIASDS2pO91JktkZriJDJzgLfPv1ft5UtkdQxs9isRDmzAYzc5MKKztINcNGBq-GRWKxgvc_OV5iKKvpw0I5d7ZQMWuvGZODlY.fqQgWV-yBiNB5186RxkkWvQYBoEsDbyq-Hai3rU1cwg&dib_tag=se&keywords=the+last+kiss+not+a+romance&qid=1713902566&s=books&sprefix=The+Last+kiss+n%2Cstripbooks%2C107&sr=1-1
Hello, and welcome to Everything End of Life, uh, which is the last podcast I'll be doing for this particular series. Uh, then we'll be moving on to a new podcast I'll tell you in a little while. But my guest today is Elise Warland, and she's an American lady, clearly an America, who has brought a breath of fresh air to the old whole industry of funeral directors, funeral care. Um she's just an amazing driving force. Uh I think she had a um tragedy when she was about nine that brought her kind of into this world and made her aware of it as she grew up. And then she has now been trying to bridge the gap between what's potentially a whole bunch of fuddy duddies, old people doing funeral care, and a young, much more vibrant, uh creative um voice bringing that to the industry. Have a listen. She's just a fascinating lady and beautiful to boot. So her is her interview is the last one, uh, and it's a brilliant one to go out on. You know, she's so positive, so upbeat. Um and I want to thank everybody who has contributed to this website. We've had around about 2,000 downloads, which is pretty good for, you know, a little backroom podcast for spreading the word about talking about death. Us British people are not very good about that, are we? No. Uh but um it's been amazing. I've had such amazing time talking with people. I love interviewing people, and uh you haven't disappointed. The next podcast that I'm doing is another one close to my heart called Everything Foster Care. It's going live on the 23rd of January, 2026, only a couple of weeks away, with the help of Cat Marketing that put together a website called Everything Foster Care. Uh, just type it in, it'll come up. Um it's a website, podcast, and blog, and it is to help try and inspire people to become foster carers, because I'm a foster carer and I've been finding out more and more about foster care and the fact that it's uh under a lot of stress. You think the NHS is under pressure? Anyway, thank you very much for listening all of this uh these couple of years, and very best of luck with everything. Thank you. Hello, and welcome to everything foster care with me Foster Care, look, I did it again. Welcome to Everything End of Life with me, Jason Cottrell, and my guest today, who is Elise Warland. As you can see from the poster behind me, hello Elise, by the way. We're about to start doing a different podcast. I wish you'd like a bit confused, but this is definitely Everything End of Life podcast. So hello, Elise.
SPEAKER_01:Hello.
SPEAKER_00:So you're um in hang on, you grew up in Indiana.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, I did.
SPEAKER_00:Yes, you did, but you come quite a long way since then, I understand. And you're in funeral care. In fact, you're everywhere in funeral care from what I read. On many committees and consultants and uh and a whole nine years. So just so you know a bit about me, I used to work in end-of-life care, going into people's lives in the last four year four weeks of their lives, and giving them, you know, nursing help. And of course, that opens up a whole new world to me. I'm an ex-psychiatric nurse, COVID hit, didn't want to do retraining, but I did go back into caring, so becoming a carer morning and evenings. I couldn't say best job I ever had. And we met, obviously, and I've interviewed quite a few funeral directors and people of that kind of industry. But you are a fresh breath of air, or breath of the fresh air, let's get that right way around. Because you're advocating for something completely different. Please let me give you the floor, introduce yourself a little bit, and tell us a little bit about what you do.
SPEAKER_01:Sure. Uh my name is Elise Warland, and I am a first generation funeral director and embalmer. So I am dual licensed. I do both, I do everything. There's nothing that I really don't do in the the funeral space. I I do consulting, I help uh mentor the next generation of funeral directors. Next year will be my 17th year in the profession. I've been in it since I was a teenager, so I've come a long way since then.
SPEAKER_00:I wrote that. And you were inspired, I think, personal tragedy when you were about nine. Yes. Which must have been really hard and hard to articulate as well. So Yes. Is that why you're looking at looking at this kind of generational divide, if you like? Because most when I was a kid, when somebody died, we weren't even told, I wasn't told my father had died, for instance. I just found that out at school when they said, Oh, you know, uh sympathy for Jason that his father has died, and I went, What? When the I was only about seven, so you know, and funnily enough, I thought I was getting some attention, so I kind of I I didn't didn't compute for a while there. So that's kind of strange. Um, yeah, so uh what are you uh what what's your kind of raison detra now? What are you trying to do now for the industry?
SPEAKER_01:So, what I'm trying to do for the profession, I call it a profession, not necessarily an industry, but for the profession. Yeah. Advocating for the fact that funerals are so vital to the healing nature of the grieving process. Advocating that funeral directors, people in funeral service, in the funeral space are still valuable members of society. And what we have to offer our fellow human beings is comfort and compassion. So, really, my goal is to advocate for that in the next generation of funeral service professionals. There certainly needs to be a voice there to mend a, I guess, a generational divide, if you would. Um, but also to bridge the gap of knowledge because there are a lot of um gatekeeping. Unfortunately, there is some gatekeeping out there. I want to be the person that opens the gate to the next generation of funeral directors and anyone in the funeral space, really. So that's what what I'm advocating for.
SPEAKER_00:So let me ask you, because over here, and I'd love the fact that you call it profession, it's a profession. Over here, it's a little less regulated. And I was really surprised to hear this that, you know, as long as you've got a really big fridge in the back garden and uh a hearse, you can start up a company. So there's not as much regulation. Obviously, there's more health and safety and that kind of thing, but it's not as much regulation as there possibly is uh across the pond there. And I think that's really interesting, isn't it? Because you'd think somebody like Britain would be really on this, but we're not, you know. And there's this there's this kind of view that there's a Victorian type style of funeral, you know, with the black coats and the top hats. Yes. And people are really beginning to move away from that now and understand grief a little bit more and what their choices can be in funeral care. So is that something that you look at as well? Is breaking out of that mold, that traditional mold of what a funeral is meant to be.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, absolutely, absolutely. And to just circle back to your point, yes, we are heavily regulated over here. We do have a lot of regulation. Um, however, we do have some wonderful advocates. I also represent the National Funeral Doctors Association, and we have an amazing lobbyist that helps us with how we conduct ourselves on a legal basis. So we do have advocates that are advocating for us in the legal space as well. So I'm grateful for that. As far as the evolution of the traditional, as you were talking about the top hat and tails, as far as the evolution here in the US, definitely seeing again. I started in this when I was 15 years old, so it'll be 17 years next year that I've been in it. And we have certainly moved away from kind of a traditional mournful, I guess that's the best word I can use, kind of the mournful, stereotypical funeral that you were speaking of. And it's more of a celebration. People want more of a going-away party. People want that personalization, they want to bring their loved one's memory to life. It's not just the same third song and the same poems over and over again. It's more personalized. You're seeing more of a party, which I am all for because I got into this profession to celebrate life. I love life. I think that's a huge, huge misunderstanding of funeral directors as we're dull and creepy and look like LERT. Um, that's not the case. Uh, we're a bunch of people that love celebrate life. We love, we love celebrating life. So that's really where I'm seeing this go. And I'm also seeing the different generations, mine included, uh, and in the one behind me, they're really wanting that personal personalization, that personal touch, not so much the mournful, mournful music, the basic copy paste services. They're wanting they're wanting an actual celebration of their life.
SPEAKER_00:I think interestingly, it's two sides of the same coin because we do celebrate life. That's the whole point, really, isn't it? And there is the grieving process, but we've kind of got that all mashed up into a funeral. Rather than keeping that kind of separate. I've got to tell you, I had nursed a guy who was in his late 30s in his last few weeks, and he had a funneral, which was he invited lots and lots of friends from around the country. They had a huge party in his back garden, had jugglers, clowns, they had burger van, uh, you know, and it was a real and they'd come in and see him in his profiling bed one by one, and he'd got loads of photos, and he had a great time. And I've got to say, that was one of the best deaths. I mean, it was lucky for him because he knew what was coming. He was very practical about the whole thing, very realistic, and he'd made his peace. So that's something, you know, that was a real shock to me because uh, you know, you expect to go in and people go, Oh, God, here he goes, you know. But he had a really good and he's just delighted in showing me all these photos of the party that he'd had. And I think moving away from that Victorian mournfulness and celebrating life is so, so very important, especially for all his family. They now have all these photos and films of him waving and saying, I'm off, I'll see you later. You know. Which is not disrespectful at all. In fact, it was absolutely celebrating the whole of his life. So, yeah, I think we're moving into that a bit more. Um, so tell me a little bit, you know, about your approach to the grieving process. Because over here, we have charities like um Cruz and various other charities who are very good at putting counselors out in frontline places, training people like barbers, for instance, to grief counselling. Because that's where people sit and chat, isn't it? You know, that's where people ever get talked. And um yeah, so is there any kind of direction of that? What am I trying to say? Is there any kind of initiatives like that to try and spread the word that grief is not something to not be talked about? It's absolutely to be talked about and it's nothing to be scared of.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, I will say that the funeral homes here do a very good job of offering grief support. We have one of most funeral homes here now. They do offer grief support groups, whether that's in a church or uh in in another civic organization group or possibly inside the funeral home, which is great because it gets people familiar coming into the funeral home and not being uncomfortable with being in a funeral home and kind of picking that curtain, if you will, because people think the funeral home is a place to that's kind of creepy. It's not, it's a place of healing. So funeral homes are doing a much better job of offering grief support. There are also online organizations, there are online resources. Um, remembering a life.com is one I recommend. That's something that is a great source for, I mean, even ideas about funerals and memorialization, but it also offers grief resources. But a lot of churches, civic organizations, but funeral homes have such a wide variety of resources now for grieving families. And it's I think that grief is not linear. So I believe that we were taught incorrectly that okay, you've got to go through the five stages of grief. That's just not that's not how it is. It's like a roller coaster. Yeah, it's not, it's methy, it's methyl. And we are so organized as a society that we want grief to be as painless as possible, but that's just not the case. We have to go through it, we can go around it.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Yeah. So I think you're, you know, that's it is an interesting subject to see or or to explore the fact that people are really now moving away from like even in uh psychiatry, my ex-profession or former profession, there was certain symptoms and signs that you would have, and that would be a diagnosis, and then you would have a projected level of care, or etc. And people are just not fitting into those boxes anymore. Well, you know, coin a phrase. And uh the same way with the funeral care. I think it's lovely that you're exploring all these different avenues because I I had a uh uh I interviewed a guy called uh Lee, something, but he was from Freedom Funerals, and he did this wonderful thing once, he was such a lovely guy who would let people have their whatever funeral they wanted with the basket, you know, uh under a tree, whatever. And uh he was he did this thing where this it was this little child who had a hamster, and the hamster died, and it was really attached to this hamster. It was literally, you know, crying crying his eyes out for days. And so Lee he did this brilliant thing. They did a whole service with a horse and carriage type thing, uh and a little tiny box. They took this down the street, uh, and you know, he was in the front, and um they did a beautiful little service for him. So I think, you know, uh when we talk about grief, yeah, there is grief also for animals and grieving process for loss. Grieving process for loss of work, you know, so uh and loss of a great team. I was a brilliant team for four years in in the hospice, for instance. And uh that, you know, just because the hospice kind of ran out of money as a charity, that got disbanded. And we all still meet up because we kind of we've lost that continuity. There's also a thing called the grieving brain. Somebody's written a book over here called The Grieving Brain, who Martin Rodis will be able to tell you, or I can't remember her name, but and it's the patterns that we have that suddenly are gone. We wake up in the morning and we expect to see someone there, or we go to the office and we expect to see them there, and you know, and they're all gone and suddenly these patterns have to change, and that grieving is different, as you say, is different for everybody. I must just flag actually Martin Rodis. He does uh he does training called uh Elephants in Rooms. And he's also he trains a lot of uh people to be frontline grief carers. And I'll just uh give mine away, though. And he's doing some remarkable work at the moment. Uh if anybody's watching the podcast, it's always worth looking up Martin Rodis, R-O-D-D-I-S. Yeah, so what's uh what's next for you? But I mean, because you are in like I'm I'm looking at a piece of paper, you know I've done a bit of research here. Yeah, you know, yeah, you seem to be in a lot of um advisory roles. Tell me a little bit about that. How did that happen?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, so honestly, just to be very honest, I am a big pest because I wanted to be a part of everything funeral service. So predominantly this is um a space that is occupied by older gen the older generation and a lot of um a lot of men. So I wanted to be a part of something that could actually steer the profession into the future. And so I became a pest, I became friends with the people that were in charge, and um I I love people, I love talking, I love networking, and so that was really my my goal was to make friends with the people that I wanted to be like. And so that's how that happened. I'm in these advisory boards, I'm in these committees because I do want to make a difference in the profession. It's not about me, it's about helping everyone around me. So if I have just a toe dipped into this pond of funeral service, then I can have the ripple effect to help others in it. So that's really why I'm on these committees, I'm on these boards, is so that I can make a positive impact to the profession as a whole. It's not about me. It's it's not about me at all.
SPEAKER_00:Well, I think that's interesting, is because and it's really important because there you are. If you've got this philosophy where the industry really does need to change and be inclusive to everybody, then it shouldn't be run by an elite group of older crow-like men, I should say.
SPEAKER_01:Yes.
SPEAKER_00:Which it it rather has been for quite some number of years. And over here, when people started to having funerals in a different way, uh, you know, being going well, I don't think you can be sent out to sea anymore, because I think there's some nautical problems with that uh and regulations. But when all of these different ideas of how your body could be disposed of came up, I think there was quite a bit of a kickback from the funeral service because not only did they see this as disrespectful, but also their income was floating off down the river there, you know? It's that's you know, quite literally so uh brave of you, I think, to get into that world uh and bring that femininity into a very masculine world. Did you find that? Did you get a lot of hard kickback from that, or was that just yes?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I'm still I'm and I still get kicked back. I still uh I'm also yeah. I mean, I look I look younger than I am, which has been um interesting as well. But the thing is that the people that are coming into the profession look like me. I mean, that's a that's a hard truth that some of the the the older generation has had to come to terms with is most of the graduates now are young first generation females. And if if we want the the profession to to live on, we have to embrace what the future is going to look like. And it's going to look going to look more female.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Well, do you know I looked after my dear old mum for eight years, and I was like 20 odd years ago, so 25 years ago. And uh she got MS. Um and she was a brilliant patient. For the last four years she was kind of bedridden. Uh and the un the only time she uh she w would get annoyed is if you stood in front of the telly, which was in front of her, and she would get out of the way. Uh other than that, she was a delight. And when I was done, I remember so little about organizing the funeral, but apparently I did. My wife's a PA, and she said you just went into uh PA mode. But the one thing I absolutely remember is that there was a lady who was the funeral director. And she sat on the side of the bed with me, and I felt really taken care of because it wasn't some stiff old bloke in a suit.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Who was saying, right, here's the tick box we've got to go through. You gotta do this, you gotta do that. And she was her voice, I remember, was just really soft and wow. Yeah. And that made a hell of a difference, I think.
SPEAKER_01:It does.
SPEAKER_00:And I'm not knocking on the blokes either.
SPEAKER_01:No, I'm not either. I'm not either. A lot of my mentors even a lot of my mentors and the the people in the profession that I admire most are are men, and a lot of my mentors have been older, older gentlemen. However, my very first mentor was another female funeral director. She had a demeanor just like you're talking about. Um, but she took me in um after I had knocked on three other doors of three other funeral homes. She was the person that opened up the door to me and said yes. And without her, I wouldn't be sitting here with you today.
SPEAKER_00:Is that when you were around 15?
SPEAKER_01:Yep, that's right.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, uh f and at fifteen, what a move to make. I mean, you know what what do you want to do? I mean, because you know, I'm looking at you and you could have walked into being a model or whatever, you know, and whole you know, careers in in different areas. But you chose you don't care, and that's quite I mean, that's quite a brave thing to do at that age.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I I knew what I wanted to do from a very young age, and I'm I'm grateful because it's been my North Star for my entire life. I'm grateful. I do feel for the people that don't have that and they didn't find out what they wanted to be, or still are looking for that thing. But my North Star has always been funeral service, so I feel grateful and I'm grateful to my mentors. So that's why I believe that I owe it to the next generation behind me and anyone that's coming into the profession, really, that I can be the person that I'm and that's what I strive to be, is the person I needed.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I think I'm yeah. That is very beautiful. There's an interesting thing I think about that being it's and and I I know it's not demean anything, but it's almost like football. Over here, we we have it was very male-dominated sport, okay, so football. It's not like American football, you know, we're not allowed to pick the ball up and run away with it. So that's right, football. And uh and you know, the we won the World Cup back in 1962 or four or something. I can't remember, I'm not a great football fan. But um for the last couple of years it's been the women's team that will won the ten the World Cup. And the blokes are going, why am there? It's just why are we not the top dogs anymore? Um and I think there is worldwide a little well in you know, in Western countries certainly, and in actually some others like Saudi as well, where women are being taken, or the balance is there's a more of a balance now rather than it being just male-dominated societies. And that trickles down through business as well. I've got to tell you, there's a thing in Colchester. Colchester has been assigned as a compassionate city, which is quite cool in business as well as anything else. And the hospital I've worked for, they do these meetings and they're promoting the idea of being compassionate within business. And that is a real good move. But I went to do a talk for them, and there were about 30 people in the room, all top business leaders of the city. And I looked around and I went, This is a compassionate, very nice, it's very good. Business, it's nice to know you're taking on board the idea of you know compassion and where are all the men? Because there were about five out of 25 business leaders. And I just went, what's going on there? So that's an interesting thing. Whilst men have dominated the funeral service from the business side of things, they weren't, they're not yet kind of that's not filtering through as much. But uh, I think there are moves for that to happen. We have in some of the bigger organizations, they're they're giving much more time for people to recover from grief, like banks, supermarkets, and their workers, they will give them more time off, they will give them more kudos, if you say, or give grief more kudos, which they didn't before. It was like, well, you've got three days, get back to work, get on with it, you know. So that's an interesting thing. I think that there is definitely within the business community uh a move that reflects the funeral care service, that more women are getting involved and going, no, wait a minute, this is this is something that w it should be for everybody. We should have a balanced view and opinion on that. So I'm just you know, I'm thinking, well done you, you know?
SPEAKER_01:Yes, yeah, I think it I think women bring such a different different environment to the the female home, to any workplace really. And I think it's a good thing. I don't think it's a negative at all. But it's it's gonna take time, it's gonna take a shift. I mean, we've gotta change our mentality as a society because it's all right, women are supposed to take care of everything in the home. Um that's not really the case anymore. We ride businesses, we lead productivity, those are great things. I don't think that's a bad thing at all.
SPEAKER_00:No. Uh I have had she'll tell me off, a lady on here who was an advocate for women in business specifically. Yes. And she was saying there's the glass ceiling is definitely still there, but it's shattering.
SPEAKER_01:It is.
SPEAKER_00:And there's a lot more women directors, CEOs. And what's nice is I think over here that during the eighties and nineties, uh, and maybe over there as well with the big shoulder pads and uh, you know, the kind of old Dallas type thing, it was very much women trying to be men in business. And so being hard-nosed, and we had Margaret Thatcher kind of who was like a bloking drag, to be honest. She was really uh really angry about everybody and everything. But with a nice soft. And um, but that's that's kind of changing, isn't it? Because, you know, I think there's a lot of women have suddenly realized, as of from that compassionate meeting I had, that uh that can they don't you don't have to be harsh to be a business person. And that must drift through directly into the funeral care service.
SPEAKER_01:Uh it does, it does, it certainly does. We re realize that there is a difference between authority figures and leadership. So there is a big difference. So women are realizing that, and we are becoming leaders instead of just these authority figures that are the hard nos, that are the let's just stick to business. Because that's not how the world works. I mean, truly, people have emotions, people have feelings, and you have to treat yours or associates around you and your families with compassion, and you have to give them that feeling that they're safe with you. Otherwise, you're just a an authority figure. You might as well just be a general. You're just giving orders. That's not leader, that's not leadership. That's authority figure. Yes, yeah. Yeah, I mean, we can certainly have traditions. We can certainly honor the traditions. We would be foolish if we didn't honor tradition and also learn from our older counterparts, which I have, as I said, I've had mentors that are older, and the older generation has so much to offer us. So I'm not saying completely, completely throw out our traditions, completely throw out the older generation because we have so much to learn from them. But we also need to be aware that our families, what our families are asking us, and our families are asking us for more memorialization, more personalization, and offering things that we haven't previously offered. So those are things that we do have to evolve, and we can we can evolve with it, and also education for the families and what their options are is going to be key. And so they find value, as I said, as I advocate for the profession, finding value in the guidance of your funeral director. Because I don't want that to go away. Well, you're doing it. Oh, please. Yeah, absolutely. So um I listen to the family first and foremost, and I will give every single family every option. Um, you also have to be sensitive to what the family actually wants. Um, you have to listen to what their cultural needs are, their family dynamics are very important. The family dynamics are changing are ever changing, um, especially um with um, say, I mean, my just an example. I mean, my family is not not very close. We're just we're just not. But you go look at other cultures and they do have more traditional aspects, then they bring in the entire family. Everybody shows up no matter what. You're seeing you're seeing that in different cultures, but not necessarily every single one. Death is seen as an inconvenience to some demographics. And again, this is I can't believe that they would do this to me. I can't believe that they would die like this. And I I have a vacation to take. This is an inconvenience. I have had families say that to me, which is very sad, but it's the trickle-down effect of society shipping. And it is, as you said, a nuclear family issue ultimately. But I can I can advise the family, I can educate them. But ultimately, when you have a different culture, a different family dynamic, because I love I love funeral service because I'm never bored, because every single yeah, every single family is different, the dynamic is different. Um, and it and it's it's interesting. It's it's never been a boring, boring place to be. But you do have to be sensitive to the family dynamic, especially. I I have personally noticed a huge shift in family dynamics over the past five years. And that's so I have just I've noticed families are they are more high stress, more anxiety, uh, more friction. I would like to say that. So, and it and I'm not sure if it was due to the pandemic, if it is more economical, because it's hey, you know, we've got to pay for this funeral now. Um, a lot more financial stress now, I feel from the families. And when you're a arranging director, you're the first person the family meets after the loss. And sometimes that can be very stressful to them, and they've never they possibly never arranged a funeral service. So they can sometimes have friction towards you, the arranging funeral directors. So I've I've noticed more of that in the last five years, especially. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah. So every state is different. So um, as you're speaking about, you know, the state it's it varies from state to state. Some places offer do offer assistance, uh, some of them do not. Um, and there are very strict rules to who actually qualifies for this kind of assistance. Sometimes it falls to some of the government agencies most of the time, that's it. Sometimes it falls on this responsibility of the coroner um of the specific state, the specific county that the person has died in. It just it's so strict. And of course, when families are financially strained, there are other um forms of um, I guess, you know, uh crowdfunding. I guess that's the best way to put it, is when families truly can't afford a service, they'll either seek out assistance if they even qualify. Again, very strict qualifications to qualify for assistance, or they do crowdfunding methods such as um like a GoFundMe. That's something that I see. A lot more funerals are being funded that way because families just simply they shop around and they just don't have the the means. It's the financial burden of a unexpected death is something at the forefront of my the family's minds that I've met with over the past, especially five years. Yes. Okay, no, that's true. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Yes, it is. There is, yeah. That's right. Yeah, so I'm uh it's actually the opposite. So I am from a very small cornfield town in the middle of rural Indiana. There is nothing there except for corn and more corn. I mean, we have a high school, we have a high school. Um, it's a it's a place where where nothing nothing happens, everyone knows everyone, and everybody has been there since the dawn of time. That's really how how my small town was. So um I I knew the same people. I grew up with my my parents' friends' kids, basically. I mean, everybody has lived in the same town forever. Everyone knows everybody. Um, really, what set me up so um I understood what death meant. My family actually owns a meat processing plant. I know that's that sounds awful, but um, I understood that yes, it was it was, you know, I always say that, but it I understood what death was because I saw I saw the the livestock, I understood the finality of it. Um, but really what set me up was that event when I was nine years old, I did have a family member die by suicide, unfortunately, and I recognized the finality of it and then how the grieving process went when the person did not look their best in their casket. So that really is what set me up as a nine-year-old. And then when when I went looking for answers, what that was at nine years old, and I found that it's what is called a funeral director, that was just my my moment. I'm also um a child of a broken family. So my parents got divorced around that same time. Nine years old was a very traumatic year for me. My parents divorced. I was also um I went to a Catholic school, but I'm not Catholic. So I was kind of isolated because I wasn't part of that community. So it was it was a fact of I wanted to find where I belonged because I didn't feel like I belonged in my small town. I felt like I wanted there was something else that I could I could help others, I could do something, I could be a part of something because I just never I just never really fit into the peg of small town girl. That just really wasn't my little my my box. So I um I wanted that. That was really my resilience. That was really my resilience in it. And living back home is is kind of difficult. There's a lot of a lot of small town politics that go along with it, but I genuinely wanted to help people and be the person that I needed. That was my whole thing because of my isolation, because of the things I had gone through in my life. I wanted to give more of myself to others because that's what I needed at the time. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay, you got all right. I'm back. Yep, got that's okay, got it. Okay, yep, that's okay. Okay, yes. Yep, that's right. That's right. Yes, yeah, that's it, that's exactly right. That's that's the best way. Honestly, I think that's the best way to put it, is you you find power through the pain. And that's really what happened. That's really what happened. Yeah, yes. Uh, very so very scary. So I moved out. I was so just very personal. So I was actually kicked out of my parents' home when I turned 18. So I've been I've been on my own since I was 18. I moved out of my small town the day I graduated high school. So I I moved away to the city. It was very scary um at first. I mean, the the traffic alone, because I've never seen traffic before. So that was kind of scary. I'd I'd never seen, never seen a lot, I'd never seen such um a diverse crowd of people with so many different opinions. And that was just crazy because everybody kind of had the same mentality back home. And so it was a it opened up the world to me when I when I moved at 18. I still am very trusting. So I guess that never I never grew out of trusting my neighbor. I never grew out of being kind to anybody I saw. I never grew out of wanting to help anyone else and wanting to have that sense of community. So yes, I'm very, very neighborly. I'm I'm very talkative because that's how it is back home. I mean, it's you got to be nice to people in a small town. So I never I never grew out of that. I never grew out of my talkative nature. So that's I you can take the girl out of the small town, but you can't take the small town out of the girl. So it's it's a bit intimidating at times to be in the the bigger cities, but I am still a small town girl at heart. I mean, I I can talk to anybody. I'm always gonna be friendly. I'm I'm a little bit paranoid sometimes. I mean, it's like my head's constantly on a swivel because it's a big city and somebody might get me. Yeah, so that's kind of how it is. It's um a lot of different opinions, a lot of a lot of more moving parts and a very uh much quicker pace of living outside of the small town because small town living is slow, it is unchanging, and then when you get out of the small town, I know people that have never left the my county. I know people that have never driven outside of the county that we live we were born in. I know that I know people like that.
SPEAKER_00:They've never left Colchester.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, it's wild. No, it happens every day. People don't leave, but I chose the discomfort, I chose the unfamiliarity because I wanted to grow. And growth happens when you get outside of your comfort zone. I'm trying, I'm trying every day. Yeah, please. I think it's gonna be a ride. I think this is, I think this is, I just have a feeling that this is gonna be the most transformative year of my career so far. So I have some good. I I'm hoping for some good. Um, and I also want to commend you on your work with foster care. That's that's I'm so used to having people tell me they couldn't do what I do. I'm telling you I couldn't do what you do. I'm not a yeah, I'm I'm not a parent. I don't, I don't want to be a parent. I'm not married. I don't, I don't, I'm, I don't I love it. It's it I've had my times where it it was very stressful. And I will be honest, I mean, there there have been times where I've been pushed to my limit. I mean, that there have been times. Um, but I always come back to it. I always recenter myself around it. And even if I knew back then what I know now, I would totally do it again. I would do it all over, I would do it again, I would do it all over again. But there is so much to be grateful for for what you're doing. Um, like I said, I'm not a parent, but I I do think that children are forgotten. And I do think that they're also sometimes the forgotten mourners when someone passes away. Um, and I do and I do yeah, and I do teach I do uh seminars on how to speak to children about death and dying and the importance of bringing the children into the funeral home and allowing them to be part of the funeral services and the grieving process. So I think I think they're very important. I think that's wonderful what you're doing, and I will listen to your new podcast. I'm excited for that. You're so welcome. Thank you so much for having me on here. And um, I can't wait to check back in with you in a year. Please find that I would be more than happy to help with that. Thank you so much. My love dog. Yeah. Yes, that's right. Yeah, oh my gosh. Good. Please, yes, please, yeah, absolutely. Please reach out to me. It's been it's been beneficial to everyone that I've I've taught that seminar to. It's been beneficial. And um, it's I mean, it's a there's free right resources. There's um there's free resources out there for for families, for funeral directors to help with this. And that's actually where I've gotten a lot of my material. There are there are books, there are brochures that are written specifically for this topic to help funeral directors and help families navigate the loss of a child because it's not supposed to happen. It's not supposed to happen. Thank you. All right, well, I'm excited. Yeah, yeah. That's good. Yeah. Thank you, too. Thank you to thank you so much. And I look forward to talking to you again in the future. Downloads for me. Yep, I will do it. Thank you.
Podcasts we love
Check out these other fine podcasts recommended by us, not an algorithm.
